The Lion King
(release date 19 July 2019)
We had our first full trailer for Disney’s latest cash grab live-action remake of The Lion King, and after what happened with Thanos and Pennywise, I am remarkably surprised that no-one on the internet has declared that they wanted to bang Scar or adult Simba.
If anything, the sexy cartoon Scar has been replaced by a flea-bitten, malnourished Scar, which has killed all of the lion lady boners among us.
Disney really dropped the ball on this one by not rendering a sexy CGI villainous lion.
Star Wars: Episode IX
(release date 19 December 2019)
This week J.J. Abrams has been talking about directing the next Star Wars film, and how he mapped out a plan for the trilogy – probably to be full of unresolved cliff-hangers – but The Last Jedi director Rian Johnson ignored his plan ungratifying pay-offs and unresolved plot threads:
“I had some gut instincts about where the story would have gone. But Episode Eight was a story that Rian wrote and was telling based on seven before we met.
“He was taking the thing in another direction. So our movie was not just following what we had started, it was following what we had started and then had been advanced by someone else.”
Abrams has to set about undoing all of the plot development and resolutions that Rian Johnson brought about in episode 8 to give us the J.J. Abrams trademark unsatisfying and hollow ending to the current trilogy.
Look, I’m just still really annoyed about all of the time I put into Lost.
Charlie’s Angels
(release date 15 November 2019)
There is your first look at the Angels doing their thing in the Elizabeth Banks-directed Charlie’s Angels reboot, but will the trio of Kristen Stewart, Naomi Scott and Ella Balinska beat the trifecta of Barrymore, Liu and Diaz? I highly doubt it.
Anyway, when quizzed on why she chose Kristen Stewart to be one of the new angels, she gave this delightfully vague answer:
“I’m somebody who believes that 90% of the job is casting. I mean, I’m an actor so of course I believe that. But I really do believe that is key.
“I want to see from Robert Downey Jr. play Tony Stark; I don’t want to see anyone else do it. I want to see Kristen Stewart be a Charlie’s Angel and I didn’t want to see [anyone else do it.]”
Why did she choose Stewart? Because she wanted to. It doesn’t matter that she couldn’t act in the Twilight movies, but has steadily built an impressive career in indie hits.
I think that they should have got back Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Cameron Diaz, and just remade the 2000 Charlie’s Angels… or just re-released that in cinemas – I’d have gone to watch it three times.
Christopher Nolan’s next film
(release date 17 July 2020)
Film directors are always doing wacky shit to revolutionise cinema – James Cameron did that Avatar thing and then promoted loads of bad Terminator sequels, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez copied the B-movie Grindhouse formula of the ‘70s but forgot to make their films good and a Dutch porn star has opened a 5D porn cinema that sprays you in the face with water whenever anyone cums onscreen.
Anyway, the latest directorial revolution comes from Christopher Nolan. Last week, Robert Pattinson explained that when he first read the script he was locked in a room to make sure no-one else would catch a glimpse, but he has been allowed to provide one tantalising piece of information:
“I’m doing a big movie with Christopher Nolan after this. It’s the craziest thing I’ve seen in years. It’s the length of three movies.”
I’m not sure who, apart from the most ardent Nolanphile, would sit through a 4+ hour film. I mean, I get a bit antsy towards the last 15 mins of an episode of Hollyoaks. Maybe they’ll install catheters before you go in.
Sonic The Hedgehog
(release date 26 December 2019)
So they’re pushing ahead with the weirdly-proportioned Sonic for the movie, but the family film won’t be all sweetness and fun, there may be some darker moments involved.
Jim Carrey, who plays villain Dr Robotnik, has explained:
“We’re playing to families, so you can’t get too crazy. But I made sure that there are some winks and nods, and edgy things that are still acceptable to both age groups.”
But kids are fine with dealing with a bit of scary stuff. I have no doubt that the next paragraph will contradict that…
This Week’s Trailer Mix Up
So you live in Ipswich and have a child, a child who loves Peppa Pig – these are all issues that you’ve brought upon yourself.
But one thing that isn’t your fault is when the cinema that is screening Peppa Pig’s Festival of Fun with your child (hopefully no adult went to see it alone) puts on the trailers and they’re filled with teasers for horror films.
That is what happened in Ipswich’s Empire Cinema, which showed trailers for Ma and Brightburn to many distressed children and their irate parents.
An Empire spokesperson was keen to apologise, but that wasn’t good enough for Charlie Jones, who provided this unintentionally hilarious quote to the BBC:
“I tried to cover her eyes during the trailers and told her they were silly films for mummies and daddies, but there were lots of kids crying and she was very confused and started crying too.
“I went mad at [the manager]. It was meant to be a special day for Annie. I don’t think he understands the impact of it.”
Unwanted Sequel/Reboot/Prequel of the Week
Trailer of the Week
This week’s teasers included The Secret Life of Pets 2 (which feels like it came out about four months ago), The Lion King with an unsexy Scar, The Addams Family, and comedies Booksmart and Stuber.
What do Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse have in common? They were all music superstars who died at the desperately youthful age of 27. But what if they didn’t die of overdoses, heart failure and suicides associated with a rock and roll lifestyle, but actually a demon? That’s what the possibly untasteful 27 Club horror movie suggests.
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In all honesty… Indeed Scar doesn’t look as fine in this movie as his original self does…
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