Sonic the Hedgehog
(due out 14 February 2020)
How has your slow film-related news week been going? Because, apart from a new
trailer for the redesigned Sonic the Hedgehog arriving this week, it’s been
slim pickings. So let’s see what I can rustle up and try and make funnies out
of. Oh, and fans of racism, there might be some racism in there later.
After a quite ferocious nerd backlash, the new trailer for the redesigned Sonic the Hedgehog arrived this week, and it looks much better.
VFX artist Stu Whitten Tweeted that with this new style Sonic, they “Pretty much just went back to our original design lol.”
Meanwhile, director Jeff Fowler thanked fans/nerds for their support. But there’s one person who isn’t happy still: Sonic creator Yuji Naka, who raged:
“This is the new trailer with Sonic’s new design. The design is much more Sonic-like now that he’s wearing gloves.
“However, his eyes still aren’t joined together, as expected. I can’t help but feel weird about that one point. But I’m looking forward to the movie’s release.”
Do you realise that we’ve set up a dangerous precedent where we’re acquiescing to nerds’ online petitions and Twitter storms…
Soon, really hot girls may be forced to go out with fat, sweaty, basement-dwelling men ‘because they’re really nice guys, who know how to treat women right.’ AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT.
Finding Jack
(due out TBC)
Last week it was announced that a Vietnam War film will be using CGI to resurrect James Dean to be the main star, which caused people to think: “Oooh, that’s not right. Because he’s dead.”
Upset that people were calling him a ‘prick’ and a ‘shithead’ for using an iconic dead star as a marketing gimmick to drive audiences into their terrible film, co-director Anton Ernst replied:
“We don’t really understand it. We never intended for this to be a marketing gimmick.”
But it turns out that this could be the opening splash from a tidal wave of dead celebrities washing up on our screens, because Worldwide XR – the company that has been founded to create a virtual CGI James Dean – has the image rights for more than 400 celebrities, including Burt Reynolds, Bettie Page, Christopher Reeve, Andre the Giant, Maya Angelou, and even Malcolm X.
Wait… Burt Reynolds is dead?! Since when?
Oh, last year.
I was thinking of Kurt Russell.
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
(due out 19 December 2019)
With Star Wars not coming out for… a few weeks now, we need to keep the public in a state of suspended excitement.
Enter Daisy Ridley who has really spilled the beans on some plot points and the storyline.
—WARNING: MAJOR STAR WARS: THE RISE OF
SKYWALKER SPOILERS HERE—
“It’s definitely dark. There are bits that are genuinely scary. And sad.”
Wait a second. Those aren’t spoilers at all. We’ve been hoodwinked again into getting hyped for the new Star Wars by being provided the minimalist piece of information.
Sorry about that everyone, I’m just as much a victim of this as you. Probably even more so.
No Time To Die
(due out 2 April 2020)
New reports from The Daily Mail (fuck The Daily Mail) has declared that the next Bond film will be the ‘wokest’ ever, a possibility that made The Daily Mail apoplectic with rage.
“The script has Bond marrying Dr Madeleine Swann – the psychologist played by French actress Lea Seydoux who first appeared in 2015’s Spectre. But she refuses to take her new husband’s name.”
“The morning after their wedding, Bond wakes sleepy-eyed and says ‘Good morning, Mrs Bond’, to which she replies: ‘Don’t you mean Ms Swann?’”
OMG! That’s soooooooo woke. Almost too woke if anything.
The wokeness didn’t stop onscreen, as Mr A. Source explained to the Mail:
“The phrase ‘Bond girl’ was outlawed from the set. The women in this film are all strong, brave and fiercely independent.
“These women are not helpless girls who jump into bed with Bond – their reactions are very different from what people might think.
“Bond tries his usual seduction techniques but they fail miserably. It’s very funny.”
Sequel News of the Week
There are many, many sequels that the public would love to see Hollywood having the balls to make: Beetlejuice 2, The Devil Wears Prada 2, Dredd 2, Leon: The Professional 2, Mad Max: Fury Road 2.
But what do we get instead?
What secret scandal does Gerard Butler have on Hollywood?
Scorsese vs Marvel
This row has been rumbling on for a few weeks after Marty Scorsese said that when it comes to Marvel movies, “I’ve tried to watch a few of them and that they’re not for me, that they seem to me to be closer to theme parks than they are to movies.”
Many people associated with the MCU, including Disney CEO Bob Iger, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson and Marvel Head Kevin Feige have all come out say that, while Scorsese is a master filmmaker, he might be not correct about this point. Meanwhile Francis Scott Coppola and Roland Emmerich took Scorsese’s side.
The latest person to have waded into this debate is Black Panther star Chadwick Boseman, whohas reasoned that Scorsese has said these things because he’s definitely a racist:
“If he saw [Black Panther], he didn’t get that there was this feeling of not knowing what was going to happen that black people felt.
“We thought, you know, “White people will kill us off, so it’s a possibility that we could be gone.” We felt that angst. We felt that thing you would feel from cinema when we watched it. That’s cultural. Maybe it’s generational.”
Now I’m not a racist… probably… but does it make me a racist for not understanding what that comment means in relation to this debate about Marvel films?
Trailer of the Week
Your sneak peeks from this week:
- The redesigned Sonic the Hedgehog
- Animated Scooby-Doo capers in SCOOB!
- Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island – a horror reboot of the much-loved 70s TV series
- Netflix’s Michael Bay-directed action film 6 Underground starring Ryan Reynolds as ‘the same character that Ryan Reynolds always plays’
- Kristen Stewart stars in Seberg, the biopic of French New Wave darling and FBI target Jean Seberg
- Ben Affleck hunts down awards in The Way Back about an alcoholic High School basketball prodigy
When a title of a film is only one word, it instantly conjures up all you need to know about that film, e.g. Gladiator, Buried, Frozen, Titanic, Transformers, Speed, and many more.
And this week’s Trailer of the Week is another one that adds its single word-descriptive brilliance to that list: MAGGOTS
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