Tom Cruise hates England, and Barbie is crushing the patriarchy (again)

Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (due out 14 July 2023) Tom Cruise’s latest stuntathon/Mission Impossible movie has been disrupting a British institution, and it is unacceptable. The production of Call The Midwife in Surrey’s Longcross Studios has had to repeatedly reshoot scenes due to the bloody din of Tom Cruise pricking about in […]

Daniel Craig isn’t woke enough, and Venom is… sexy?

No Time to Die (due out 30 September 2021) With Daniel Craig set to retire as 007, the focus will soon shift to who will replace him. And this week Daniel Craig went full ‘Go Woke or Go Broke’ when asked whether his replacement could be black, or even… a woman: “The answer to that […]

007’s wedgies, and Indiana Jones loves rimming

No Time To Die (due out 30 September 2021) Lashana Lynch, who plays James Bond’s replacement for the 007 codename in No Time to Die, has been talking about how she has been crafting the ‘nouveau 007’ alongside Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Waller-Bridge – brought in to punch up the script on the behest Daniel Craig – […]

PETA goes to war with Jackass, and Bond can’t eat ass

No Time To Die (due out 30 Sept 2021) Daniel Craig has been talking Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s addition to the writing process after he watched Fleabag and thought “yes, let’s get her for 007, maybe Bond can make jokes about eating ass – that’s pretty on-trend.” “Phoebe came on, and she injected some brilliance into the […]

Bezos to make Bond a snowflake’s dream, and China hates John Cena

No Time to Die (due out 30 Sept 2021) Big Daddy Bezos getting his grubby mitts on MGM and their entire intellectual property has not gone down well with some James Bond fans, who fear that 007 iconic Walther PPK will be delivered thanks to same-day shipping on Amazon Prime, and his MI5 mission info […]

Jan 29th: Cancel David Aquette, and Denzel stops Jared Leto’s condoms

No Time To Die (due out 8 October 2021) Who’s up for a bit of clickbait fun? Full disclosure: I assumed this headline would be clickbait – something like: Daniel Craig thought the actress who James Bond sleeps with was the disgusting side of 25 and wanted to go for someone nearer to 21. Turns […]

Nov 5th: Anne Hathaway’s shit advice, and Michael Myers started Black Lives Matter

No Time to Die (due out 2 April 2021) While we’re using up all this time that could be spent dying, Rami Malek was quizzed on whether his Bond villain is an updated version of Dr. No: “I’m not going to bite on that, but I do think it’s interesting. They’ll just have to wait […]

Oct 30th: Birthday sex with Kate Winslet, and Natalie Portman hates fun

The Suicide Squad (due out 6 August 2021) In the first (and terrible) Suicide Squad, the only member of the team that died was the guy that didn’t get a fancy introduction: “That guy, oh he does… stuff. Don’t get invested in his character.” But in the new (potentially less terrible) The Suicide Squad, some […]

Oct 23rd: Bond sprays coke everywhere, and Sigourney Weaver is better than Tom Cruise

No Time To Die (due out 2 April 2021) While the crew on the new Mission Impossible movie are enjoying watching Tom Cruise (probably) driving off a bridge onto another bridge (and that second bridge is on top of a moving train), what did the crew on the new Bond films do to make their […]

Oct 9th: Avatar 2’s fan backlash, and Daniel Craig has plenty of time (to die)

Spiral: From The Book Of Saw (due out 21 May 2021) Coronavirus has laid waste to many jobs and industries are on the brink. But one industry that is still thriving through all this is the clickbait industry, here’s a nice example: So, Jason Ingolfsland, if that is your real name, what did Spiral director […]

Oct 2nd: Henry Golding’s toilet hell, and Ana De Armas doesn’t know how Bond films work

No Time to Die (due out 12 November 2020) The newest Bond girl, Ana The Arms has been telling Vogue Mexico that her character is an empowered, realistic woman: “What matters most to me is representing women and female characters in an empowered, realistic way and outside of the stereotype. “In this 007 movie I […]

Sept 25th: Armie Hammer hates Surrey, and Dave Bautista isn’t a wrestler

Death On The Nile(due out 18 December 2020) Armie Hammer was disappointed to learn that the exotic Agatha Christie adaptation had to be changed from Egypt to Morocco and then ended up filming in studios in Surrey. Hammer is the most disappointed person to end up in Surrey since that middle-aged man who decides to […]

Aug 7th: Ben Affleck’s smooching, and Sam Neill’s overlooked hat

The King’s Man (due out 16 September 2020) In between the releases of Kingsman: The Golden Circle and Kingsman 3 (and whatever unnecessary subtitle it is given), we’re going back to one of the World Wars – for the Kingsman origins in The King’s Man. So obviously it’ll provide us with the story of how […]

Jun 12th: Keanu Reeves spites JK Rowling and Avatar vs the good people of New Zealand

The Matrix 4 (due out 21 May 2021) This week Keanu Reeves has revealed what tempted him to re-join director Lana Wachowski on the Matrix sequel, other than “to really piss off J.K. Rowling”: “Lana wrote a beautiful script and a wonderful story that resonated with me. That’s the only reason to do it. “To […]

April 24th: Bond gets dreamy and Wonder Woman gets a green-eyed monster

The Batman Billionaires can’t seem to do anything right at the moment. For instance, there are: The one that idiots made president and is now trying to kill everyone The one that wants to look at all of your conversations (even the one with your aunt who thinks your dad is having an affair (he […]

April 17th: Timothée Chalamet doesn’t understand his film and Disney+’s ‘bum fringe’

Dune The internet was pulsating this week after the first stills were released from Denis Villeneuve’s adaptation of Frank Herbert’s hugely influential sci-fi novel. Starring the likes of Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Ferguson, Oscar Isaac, Josh Brolin, Stellan Skarsgård, Dave Bautista, Zendaya, Jason Momoa and Javier Bardem, it is one of 2020’s most anticipated releases (if […]

March 27th: The New Mutants beats no-one and Fantastic Beasts/WWII mash-up

No Time To Die Remember that time Scarlett Johansson went a bit mad and started spouting nonsense that should could play a trans man, or that she could play a tree, or that Woody Allen wasn’t a creepy sex offender? Whatever got inside her head that she could convincingly act as anything and everything seems […]

Feb 28th: Mulan’s racist excuses and the next Fifty Shades

No Time to Die (due out 2 April 2020) Phoebe Waller-Bridge was hand-picked by Daniel Craig to work on the script for his last 007 outing, and she’s such a popular addition to the film that she’s been given her own character poster, unfortunately they’ve photoshopped her head on backwards: When asked about the extent […]

Feb 21st: Daniel Craig’s terrible music taste and misogynist Batman fans

No Time to Die (due out 2 April 2020) This time last week, Billie Eilish’s Bond anthem No Time to Die, from the film No Time to Die, dropped and sent the internet into a frenzy. Well, not a frenzy. What’s the word for lots of people going: “I mean, yeah it it’s alright. Not […]

Jan 24th: Bond villain’s identity issue, and Mulan’s dragon absence?

Mulan (due out 27 March 2020) Since Disney’s live-action remake of Mulan was announced, gossip has been rife about whether it will feature the tiny dragon character of Mushu, or songs, or Asians, or Mulan. Turns out, that Disney have tweaked quite a lot of the details from its animated original, so there is no […]

29th Nov: Cats director defence and The Invisible Woman

No Time to Die (due out 2 April 2020) Remember that one Bond Girl who died from being painted gold, and then that other one was called Pussy. And the others: many, many unmemorable Bond Girls. One of them was Chinese, another was Grace Jones. So the latest Bond girl, Ana de Armas (which, in […]

Nov 22nd: More horrifying Cats and Charlie’s Angels failure excuses

No Time to Die (due out 2 April 2020) Short of wearing his skin as a Morphsuit, Bond’s vegetably-named producer Barbara Broccoli’s obsession with Daniel Craig is fairly prominent and she is unwilling to let go of him. It’s a bit like that time when your first girl/boyfriend broke up with you because you were […]

15th Nov: Sonic’s glow up and more dead actors are coming

Sonic the Hedgehog (due out 14 February 2020) How has your slow film-related news week been going? Because, apart from a new trailer for the redesigned Sonic the Hedgehog arriving this week, it’s been slim pickings. So let’s see what I can rustle up and try and make funnies out of. Oh, and fans of […]

Nov 8th: The Ghost of James Dean, and Knives Out’s Star Wars dig

No Time To Die (due out 2 April 2020) If there’s one thing that Daniel Craig despises – apart from earning less than £30m to play Bond – it’s sexism. Which is why he answered so profanely when quizzed by The Sunday Times whether getting Phoebe Waller-Bridge to work on the script because she was […]

Nov 1st: Jurassic justifications and Edgar Wright’s time travelling

Jurassic World 3 (due out 21 June 2021) Jaded Jurassic Park/World fans were slightly perked up by news that Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum and Sam Neil will return to the series in the third Jurassic World movie – hopefully for longer than the two minutes and thirty-five seconds that Goldblum appeared in Jurassic World: Fallen […]

10th Oct: Gemini Man faces global limitations and Joker sends everyone loco

No Time to Die (due out 3 April 2020) With Spectre, they tried to tie all of the previous Daniel Craig Bond films together, as a result of the manipulations by Bond’s half-brother or mum’s best friend or something – I don’t really remember what happened because it was shit. Anyway, Naomie Harris has explained […]

Oct 4th: A drunk Daniel Craig and how ‘wokeness’ made Joker

Joker (due out 4 October 2019) Everyone is so ‘woke’ these days; you can’t even slap on a bit of blackface or go around smacking girls’ arses without repercussions. We need to go back to a time when rich white people could straight up kill poor people and not even go to jail. Another person […]

Aug 23rd: the Spider-Man battle and Mulan’s Hong Kong faux pas

Sony & Marvel’s Spider-Man Battle There has been all sorts of shit flying about this week with Spider-Man and the ‘special relationship’ that Sony are sharing with Disney – for Marvel to make actually good Spidey films, and giving them 5% of profits. Furious that Disney have asked for a 50/50 co-financing arrangement, instead of […]

Aug 9th: It 2’s digital castration and a second Bond voyeur

Bond 25 (due out 3 April 2020) The doomed new Bond movie productions has seen its fair share of thrills and spills – I’d say that the man setting up a hidden camera in the women’s toilets, for obvious reasons, is a ‘thrill’ rather than a ‘spill’. Those risqué thrills continued when a man, a […]

Jul 19th: The Cats trailer is terrifying

Cats (due out 20 December 2019) Earlier in the week we got that making-of video about how Cats will be ground-breaking and astonishing. And then we got the trailer. Of course the internet reacted how it should do when confronted with a musical genetic abomination. I could screengrab a load of reaction Tweets, but instead, […]

July 5th: Tarantino eyes the exit and fans’ Ursula fury

The Little Mermaid (due out TBC 2020) It’s been a hell of a week with Disney’s live-action The Little Mermaid remake. Halle Bailey, one half of R&B duo Chloe x Halle (with her sister Chloe), has been cast as Ariel, as confirmed by director Rob Marshall (Mary Poppins Returns), who released this statement: “After an […]

Jul 28th: Bond’s peeping tom and Space Jam 2’s backlash

Bond 25 (due out 3 April 2020) While we got a teaser video from Jamaica on the latest Bond movie that screamed: “LOOK, WE’RE DOING FILMING! EVERYTHING IS OK!” we had more wacky news coming out of the incredibly troubled production. Well, not wacky, more an illegal and alarmingly terrible bit of news. It was […]

May 24th – The Pattinson Backlash and Tarantino’s Defence

The Batman (due out 25 June 2021) It’s been a heck of a week for online petitions. The one where nerds want HBO to put down $100m to make Game of Thrones season 8 the way they have done in their fan fiction (1.5m signatures). The one where absolute jokers want Danny DeVito to be […]

May 17th: Pixar’s post-Toy Story 4 plans and John Wick’s feline fiasco

Bond 25 (due out 8 April 2020) Just like fellow British institution The Jeremy Kyle show, the new Bond film has been suspended this week. But unlike JK, instead of a man killing himself which caused the shutdown; it was because Daniel Craig hurt his ankle a little bit. While scampering about being a superspy, […]

May 3rd: Sonic’s rollercoaster week and Toy Story 4’s real reason for being made

Toy Story 4 (due out 21 June 2019) Is it Money? I bet it’s money. Enter Toy Story 4 director Josh Cooley: “Once we figured out that was the place to go, I think, if you were to ask Woody as a character, “What was the biggest moment of your life?” He would say, “It […]

April 26th: Will Smith’s ego hits Bad Boys 3 and Star Wars fans get branded “undateble”

The Lion King (due out 19 July 2019) When the trailer was released for the live-action Lion King with a new Scar that no-one wants to sleep with, most fans thought that it looked like a less colourful, less fun version of the much-loved 1994 classic. Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures production chief Sean Bailey […]

Mar 22nd: Margot Robbie’s new face and Bill & Ted’s confirmed return

Once Upon A Time in Hollywood (due out 14 August 2019) So we got our long-awaited poster and trailer for Once Upon A Time in Hollywood, Quentin Tarantino’s ‘60s-set new effort, starring Leonardo DiCaprio as a screen icon and Brad Pitt as his stunt double. But while everyone has got themselves excited over the trailer, […]

Feb 22nd: Captain Marvel’s ‘inclusive’ backlash and Bond’s new turd-polisher

Captain Marvel (due out 8 March 2019) Imagine being A White Man on the Internet – getting yourself all worked up into a fury over words like ‘diversity’ and ‘inclusiveness’. On an unrelated note, last week Brie Larson explained that she was fed-up that the ‘press pool’ interviewing her for upcoming films contains mostly white […]

Dec 7th: Margot Robbie’s Hollywood Boobs and Christian Bale’s Lifesaving

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (due out 26 July 2019) A lot of fans have a lot of questions about what to expect from Quentin Tarantino’s new film, set in 1969 Hollywood, which stars Margot Robbieas Valley of the Dolls actress Sharon Tate who was married to Roman Polanski and killed by the followers […]

This Week: Brie Larson’s smiling comeback, Daniel Craig’s executive power and Mary Poppins’ songlist

Bond 25 (due out 14 February 2020??) After the debacle of hiring and firing Danny Boyle for having out-of-control ideas of how to reinvigorate the Bond franchise, a new director has been hired with the less catchy name of Cary Joji Fukunaga. Fukunaga’s most famous directorial output was the good first season of True Detective […]

This Week: Bond’s director dilemma,Liam Neeson’s latest Taken and Johnny Depp’s latest troubles

Bond 25 (due out 25 October 2019 – subject to change) The torrid production of the next Bond film has taken another turn as Danny Boyle, director of such masterpieces as Slumdog Millionaire, The Beach and Trainspotting, has left the project with the official James Bond Twitter account announcement: Step 1: Hire a visionary and […]

Aug 10: X-Men’s bold move and Kingsman’s casting plans for number 3

X-Men: Dark Phoenix (due out 5 February 2019) Fox’s upcoming and potentially last X-Men film is either going to be good, rubbish or as bad as that past few X-Men films that we’re glad that it’ll be bought by Disney. According to a report from 20th Century Fox, the reshoots for Dark Phoenix – which […]