Toy Story 4
(due out 21 June 2019)
Is it Money? I bet it’s money.
Enter Toy Story 4 director Josh Cooley:
“Once we figured out that was the place to go, I think, if you were to ask Woody as a character, “What was the biggest moment of your life?” He would say, “It was when I met Bo Peep for the second time.”
“So that was our goal for this film, to make this meeting with her so powerful that it was deserving of Toy Story 4.”
Has that answered the question of that clickbait headline? Because of [something][something] Woody [something] Bo Peep?
It would have been easier if he’d have said “It’s all of the lovely money.”
Bond 25
(due out 8 April 2020)
Last week everyone heavily invested in the Bond films, and nobody else, was excited with the announcement that Rami Malek would play the villain in the next, as yet untitled Bond film.
But while the big announcement made everything seem rosy with the next Bond, in reality, everything is far from rosy. If ‘A source close to the project’ is to be believed:
“They don’t have a script, there’s no title, it is nearly five years since the last Bond. It starts with a retired Bond living in wedded bliss, but the rest of the script is still being worked over.
“They rolled out the cast this week at Ian Fleming’s villa in Jamaica because if they wait much longer Daniel Craig, who is 51, will be too old, and then he really won’t do the film.”
While not necessarily an issue. After all, the script for Suicide Squad was turned around in six weeks and that turned out… oops, bad example.
There is an especially big Daniel Craig-shaped issue with production – Daniel Craig. You may not believe it, but he might be a bit of a prick.
The source added:
“Everyone on the production side detests working with Daniel, he’s so difficult and makes things impossible. But [Bond producer] Barbara Broccoli thinks he walks on water, and only her opinion matters.”
Someone needs to show Bond producers Barbara Broccoli and Arthur Asparagus this picture as proof of Craig’s inability to walk on water.
Sonic the Hedgehog
(due out 26 December 2019)
This week saw the arrival of the first Sonic the Hedgehog trailer, and Sonic fans were… what’s a word for disappointed, but like a furious, white hot disappointment?
So yeah, because Sonic looks like the wet dream of a demented furry, the disappointed fans decided to make it look more like Sonic from the video games and less like a Halloween mask of that the creepy monkey kid from the original Jumanji.
But why does Sonic look so weird and not at all like he did in the classic games?
Maybe his background will help shed some light on this upsetting turn of events.
Enter the film’s location manager, Abraham Fraser:
“Sonic is a video game character, who is an alien. The story is kind of ala E.T.. In the sense of a small town coming together to help the sheriff save our alien from the bad guys, which are the government chasing them.
“It’s very heart-warming. And I think it’ll be a big hit.”
So it doesn’t resemble Sonic at all, in appearance or backstory; but I guess no-one would have gone to see a terrible film with a weird CGI creature in the lead.
But a terrible film with a weird CGI creature in the lead called Sonic the Hedgehog?
Nah, no-one’s going to see that either.
UPDATE: After the astonishingly bad reception by virtually everyone,Sonic the Hedgehog director Jeff Fowler took to Twitter to let everyone know that they were going to redesign Sonic:
We did it everyone – the internet wins the day again! This is just like the time the internet caught the Boston Marathon bomber.
Men In Black: International
(due out 14 June 2019)
You may remember a couple of months ago that a trailer was released for the Tom Cruise fiasco The Mummy, which only had the sound effects – grunts, screams, etc and nothing else.
Surely, the slickly-oiled machine that Hollywood is, wouldn’t let that happen again.
Last week, for the trailer drop of Men in Black: International, a trailer was uploaded without any musical score or sound effects, with only dialogue and Chris Hemsworth’s screaming. Check it out here.
This Week’s Avengers Wackiness
[NO SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: ENDGAME]
What a week it has been for Avengers: Endgame – it smashed all sorts of opening weekend box office figures, and has seen overworked cinema employees deluged with arseholes leaving their half-eaten popcorn on the floor.
But we look to the Far East for two extraordinary news stories to come out of cinemas screening Endgame:
A hilarious dude in Hong Kong thought it would be really cool, while leaving the cinema, to tell the queuing fans major spoilers for the film they were about to see. Upset that the film had been ruined by this jerk, the crowd attacked him, leaving him in a bloody state, being tended to by paramedics. The MailOnline has posted pictures of the bloodied man receiving treatment, because fuck The Daily Mail.
Meanwhile, also needing treatment was a 21-year-old Chinese woman, who was sobbing so uncontrollably during the film (especially the extremely romantic kiss between Thanos and Iron Man) that she reported feeling short of breath and that her hands and feet had gone numb. The woman was rushed to hospital and the doctors believed she was suffering from hyperventilation. She was given oxygen by the doctors and made a swift recovery.
This Week’s Film That Will Never Get Released
Trailer of the Week
This week’s teasers included that Sonic one which made everyone sick, comedy Late Night, thriller The Intruder and Crawl – which sees an alligator cause chaos during a hurricane.
Pick of the week is Ophelia, starring Daisy Ridley, Naomi Watts, Clive Owen, George Mackay and Tom Felton, as they put a twist on Hamlet – mostly because virtually the entire trailer is pained whispering.
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