Eternals
(due out 5 November 2021)
With each of their MCU movies, Marvel makes us waste our time sitting through 10 mins of names of people who have spent months pouring their heart and soul into the blockbuster that we’ve just seen, so we can get a couple of mins a usually-inconsequential scene that foreshadow another movie that we’ll have to pay to watch and enjoy.
While attending the premiere of Marvel’s new extravaganza, Variety writer Matt Donnelly Tweeted out spoilers about one of Eternals’ mid-credits scene, which angered fans who wanted to go in blind, and also Kit Harington:
“I’ve lived in a world where spoilers happen for a long time. I realize they can happen. It’s just disappointing that people do it.
“Let people go to the cinema and experience it when they pay for their ticket and do it that way, rather than spreading it online where they might not realize they’re coming across stuff.”
Great, so that’s another thing for Kit to be upset about – he’s already got people stopping him to tell him the Game of Thrones ending was just the worst, and also people probably calling him Tit.
Meanwhile, with Eternals being Marvels’ first film with prominent LGBTQIA+ representation, including a same sex kiss; sexually-frustrated nerds have been ‘review bombing’ the film on IMDb before its release.
The problem is that these geeks, who aren’t able to convince any girl to let them stick a couple of Dorito-stained fingers up them, are furious that some men aren’t bothered by boobs, and refuse to watch anything to do with it.
And so their impotent fury takes to them the internet to give negative reviews when ‘their films’ have added a couple of boob-avoiders sharing a smooch.
Lightyear
(due out 17 June 2022)
This week we got our first teaser trailer for Pixar’s Buzz Lightyear origins story.
Chris Evans voices Buzz in the movie, which Disney have lauded as “the definitive origin story of Buzz Lightyear, the hero who inspired the toy.”
Lightyear’s director Angus MacLane has explained how the Lightyear story developed:
“I said, ‘Maybe there was a movie starring Buzz Lightyear, and that’s what Andy saw that made him want a Buzz Lightyear action figure.
“Why don’t we just make that movie – and make it awesome?’”
While that sounds all lovely, isn’t it more likely that the top bosses at Pixar thought: “We do like lots of lovely money. How do we keep on milking the Toy Story cash cow without making another underwhelming installment like Toy Story 4? Preferably with loads of new merchandise opportunities too?”
And thus, called in the disappointingly-not-Scottish Angus MacLane was called in.
The Flash
(due out 7 October 2014)
The new Flash movie, which stars Ezra Miller as ‘The Scarlet Speedster’ and also sees both Ben Affleck and Michael Keaton return as Batman has been getting some exciting promo from its director Andy Muschietti.
Muschietti – who made one good It movie, and then one really long, kinda boring It movie – has been talking up the next doomed DC film, which is loosely-based on the 2011 Flashpoint storyline (and is far too long and complicated for me to summarise in one sentence):
“We can tell you that there are surprises. We cannot reveal what they are, but they will probably blow your socks off.
“There’s excitement behind the camera about those surprises, but you’re better not knowing them until you see them on the big screen.”
Is one of the surprises that last April Ezra Miller was caught on camera grabbing a female fan by the neck and pushing her to the ground, yet there doesn’t seem to have been any recourse against him? That’s pretty surprising.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
(due out 8 April 2022)
Idris Elba has been keeping his cards close to his chest when he was quizzed about the Sonic sequel, in which he voices Sonic’s echidna (basically a shit hedgehog) buddy Knuckles:
“Honestly, I cannot say. Contractually, I cannot say anything.
“But I wouldn’t say he was sexy. I don’t think I’m going for that. That’s for sure.”
Oh poor naïve little Idris, he is clearly blissfully unaware of the internet’s Rule 34 (If it exists, there is porn of it), and once he adds his smooth, baritone vocals to the performance, you won’t be able to move on the internet for Sexy Knuckles content.
This fella is currently the standard-bearer for Sexy Knuckles – a level which can be raised a lot higher (is that a boner joke? I feel like it should be).
Trailer of the Week
Here are your sneak peeks from this week:
- The second trailer for House of Gucci
- The WWII evacuees, The Railway Children are back after 40 years, and they’re out for revenge in The Railway Children Return
- In horror Unwelcome, a pair of Londoners’ new life in Ireland goes awry when they discover murderous goblins lurking at their bottom of their garden
- The Deep House is a haunted house movie, but the house is at the bottom of a remote lake… because, shut up
- A nun becomes entangled in a forbidden lesbian affair with a novice in real-life period romance Benedetta
- Dolph Lundgren stars in action flick Castle Falls which sees a pair of rival gangs trying to find $3m hidden in an old hospital scheduled for demolition
- The Jeeepers Creepersfranchise (remember that?) has been rebooted with the Jeepers Creepers: Reborn
- Sandra Bullock stars in Netflix drama The Unforgivable as a woman who is released from prison to find that no-one wants to forget her violent crime
- Netflix Documentary Procession sees victims of sexual abuse from Catholic priests fight for justice
This week’s pick is the long awaited sequel JurassicShark 2: Aquapocalypse which is full of bad CGI and sees the ferocious, prehistoric Megalodon returning to the surface to terrorizing a group of oil rig workers and members of a local fishing village.
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